Can Friends Be Lovers?

I definitely agree with you on that point, society has no right to make the rules. We are individuals and what works for some doesn't work for others.
Society expects monogamy....anything less than that is just 'wrong'. But if you are able to find someone, a friend, who can fulfil your other needs and you are able to maintain the friendship, then I bid you good luck. That is everyones dream isn't it?? Or is it?

Thats one of the points i was discussing earlier in the blog.... why cant the friendship remain? why should the friendship end just because you've had sex and one party developed stronger feelings? To end a frienship someone would have had to have done something wrong .... what's so wrong here? Society and general opinion says that you cant still be friends with someone after sex.... and i think thats crap. I've had friends with benefits before, and even after the sex stopped, i dont think "oh, i'm not having sex wit her now...so i've got to hate her"... i'm still good friends with pretty much everyone i've had sex with - even most of my ex's. Sure there's a few that i dont get along with ... but thats not because society says i cant be frinds coz they are ex's, its because they've wronged me. In most cases the relationship just didnt work - no need to hate for that. We were different people with different wants and needs, doesnt make either party a bad person, it just makes you incompatible for a relationship, we can still be friends. I just hate the way society tells us how we should feel, and how we should act.

Ok I hear ya on that point. So when one person develops more intense feelings for the other, the sex should stop......but where does that leave the friendship? as unshakeable as it was before the sex?? i think not.....
I think in some situations this could definitely work, and as you and others have pointed out, it does work....but are your situations the majority, or minority? something to think about....personally, I think you are definitely the minority as I believe most people couldn't go back to being the same type of friends they were before the sex....I actually envy you for that....

Yes I understood what you meant by no emotions the first time, and I am on the same page with you there. When i talked about my situation, I meant that we were not able to stick to the plan, or the rules as I like to call it. We found ourselves falling for each other in a really hard way. To us, the sex meant something, not just a little bit of fun on the side. After agreeing that we did not want a relationship, it looks as though we are going in that direction, albiet very slowly.
Am I making any sense whatsoever??

I think theoretically, this can definitely be done. In theory though, these friends know that its only fun and no emotions are involved. Its purely black and white.
In reality, grays may enter. It might start off the way both agree, the friendship is the priority and a little fun on the side is involved......but how long before one or the other gets emotionally attached?
We are, after all, human. If we weren't, we wouldn't have the emotional ties that come with a friendship.
I don't know how to answer your question Nux, because I have not been able to do this.
I have a special friend whose friendship means the world to me. After agreeing that we both did not want anything more than just friendship and sex, things got out of hand and we both realised that we have become attached to each other and may possibly want more than a friendship.
My point here is, really good friends sometimes can't help but get emotionally attached after they have sex. The positive thing for me and my friend is that we are both single, which may also explain why we became attached to each other. If we were married to other people, then maybe things would be different. But as it turns out, we were not able to keep the emotions out after we had sex.
I commend anyone who can be friends with someone, sleep with them, and at the end of the day have no attachments. I wasn't able to and neither was my friend.

Yeah and thats something I struggled with for a while, him and I have a great relationship (sex excluded) and it took me a while to get past the morale judgment and make a decision that I am going to have fun with my life and sex is just an activity, something I choose not to go without. Sex after all is fun and should be enjoyed. After years of discussing our sex life, I now decide to create my own and I am happy with that. He is happy with our relationship and I am with most of it, I just get what I need from others that I cant get from him...... it works for me and he is happy so fuck it (excuse french) I say! lol

Awesome blog Nux, in fact I have been having the same thought myself in recent weeks. I am a very open and honest person, yet I seem to hide certain things from my husband simply because I know how he would react should he find out (I have approached many things with him and I know this is something he would never agree to). But I enjoy sex, I see it as a fun activity. I dont plan on leaving my husband but I dont plan on not having any fun either. I have a regular fuck buddy that I see every now and then, it is clear to both of us that it will never go any further and if either one of us starts to feel anything than we discuss it and if need stop it. I am great friends with this person, in fact I consider them to be one of my best mates we just get each other and seem to always be on the same page. The sex is just an added bonus to our friendship that we both enjoy. It hasnt affected our friendship in anyway and when the time comes that we stop having sex I am sure that our friendship will continue strong. The difference is we both made it clear from the start what we wanted, we both understand each others situations, as long as you are honest and upfront then it should not be a problem. I am yet to hook up with anyone from FF, but I seem to be looking for attached men simply for the reason it is less complicated when you know its only about sex and having fun, no emotional bullshit. Sex is fun, it is an activity, society has its own opinions but you have to live your life by your rules and what you feel is right for you. You live once, why not enjoy it?

its just a shame if people dont accept you the way you are...in the public eye,i can cover my boobs and my tatts and noone knows any different.i have mates that dont even know ive got piercings,lol
It should be the same with sex... each to their own preference...the old saying "what you dont know,cant hurt you"??? says alot...

I agree with Rach, but it does require the two people to be honest, I haven't found many honest guys and I usually find the friendship dwindles as the physical side heats up.

What is with that? See for me the whole package is a turn on not just the body parts.

Thanks for sharing Nick... interesting, i think you're looking at the wider picture, like falling in love type lovers. Sure, that can happen - quite often does in fact. Quite often we hear about friends bonking and end up hating each other though.. i just don't think that's necessary at all. I think a lot of people have that mindset engrained in them by society.. almost as if they know as soon as they bonk they know their friendship is doomed. I just think a little less worrying about society and a little more dedication to self beliefs, and doing what "feels right"... then society need not drive us.

haha, i kind of got sidetracked and went off on a tangent, any excuse to share a good story! xx

Awsome piece of literature there Fox... love it.

Hmm, tricky question to answer, Tish, but i'll have a lash.
It's true in some part that you don't know what the reaction would be, but then that opens the question "how well do you really know your partner"... which is a huge can of worms - i'll leave that can sealed for now.
Ok, lets say you really don't know how they'll react... i think its a good idea to just test the water.... just a casual conversation ... and mention "oh Suzie was telling me one of her friends was caught cheating, but after sitting down with her husband and discussing it decided they'd stay together in an open relationship!" - see how your partner reacts... prod gently, use your judgement as to where the line is - and don't cross it. See if that initiates a conversation as to how he feels about that situation, then you should be able to get a few answers... but be careful, if things start getting a little heated, best to shut the hell up and get out of there... but then again, compatibility questions have to be raised if it causes conflict.
As for the friendship ending after such encounters - no, friendships don't need to end after sharing some fun, that situation should be discussed with those taking part before anything happens. Again - be open and honest !

well, ive been in this situation a couple of times. first was when i was 19 and dating a 43 year old. we were on holiday and met a nice couple on their honeymoon. we shared lots of drinks, late nite skinny dips and plenty of laughs. after a swim one night and while my partner and i were showering, the other couple came into the bathroom and started making out while watching us.... i was a bit uncomfortable about it but didnt mind being watched. went no further that nite but next day we were queried if we would like a 4some. being my young naive self i declined and i think they were pretty offended, didnt see much of them for the rest of our time there, fair assumption they found another couple to play with. my second experience was years later, was my boys school fete and after a long hot tiring day kicked back with a few chardy's with some of the other mums. after a few of those i was pretty drunk and really couldnt drive home. one of my school mum friends invited me back to her place to sober up. i slept a couple of hours and woke up to find her and her hubby in the spa. i borrowed their daughters bikini and jumped in. we shared a couple of joints and flirted a bit with each other. shall call them john and mary for the purpose of this story. they were laughing at how i struggled to fill the bikini top, being chesty challenged as i am! mary lost her top to show me that she too wasnt a big girl, so i removed mine. john got out of the spa to roll another j and left us alone. i was pretty heady by now and when she leaned in to kiss me i didnt resist. we kissed and touched a little and john returned with a hard on. i remember thinking this is weird and feigned feeling unwell and asked if i could lay down a while. mary took me to their bathroom and helped me into the shower. i found their bed with the covers down so crawled in and fell asleep. i woke some time later to find them both either side of me stroking my hair and asking if i was ok. they began to kiss each other over the top of me and their warm bodies were snuggled up against me. one thing led to another and pretty soon were all enjoying each other. it was gentle and passionate and they were very considerate constantly asking if i was ok. i woke in the morning, the 3 of us still in bed and wasnt sure what to do. i dressed and made a hasty exit, ran into their neighbour who was a dad from the school and sped off like a bat outta hell! i got a call from mary around lunchtime to see that i got home ok. we didnt mention the previous nites goings on and never have since. we are still friendly when we see each other though that isnt often now as our children have now moved on to different high schools. i did do the swingers party thing once while married but that was just plain disatrous so wont divulge further.

personally, i would never instigate this kind of liason with any of my existing friends, i just dont see them that way. they have been a wonderful support to me during rough times and i wouldnt want to impede on that. thats not to say that i dont have friendships now that are or have been sexual, generally starting that way. these friendships have been rewarding both emotionally and physically and not to mention fun. some have stayed friends, some have moved on. these days im pretty open to anything, as long as those involved are comfortable and no-one gets hurt, the common theme here.
my circumstances these days lead me to live a fairly balanced life. my kids are my number one priority and are never involved with my wilder side. the two are very seperate.

the moral of the story? stay safe, respectful and honest. we all have our own code of morality and as long as nobody is hurt in the process then all is good.

i have found that society is much more obliging and less judgemental, the older i get, or maybe thats just me.

life is short, try the things you really want to, sidestep those that you dont but dont die wondering! xx

AIDS? Hmmm, i would have thought everyone would practice safe sex these days, and if you don't... well thats a completely different discussion.

Exactly, and never once did i suggest otherwise.

Kidding about what? You said, there's no recipe for living that suits all cases....meaning everyone is different.... i think thats stating the obvious... "no brainer" is an expression for "obvious".

Yeah, i think that's a no brainer.

Cool, great reply... all summed up in the final paragraph... thanks for sharing Rach :)

The question was "Can Friends Be Lovers"..... then i went about rambling on with a bunch of crap, and then at the end asked "Why can't friends be lovers?" ... and no, i didn't ask if sociiety frowns upon swingwers, i actually SAID that society frowns apon non monogomous behaviour... no question about it. My blog was just to put a few points across to suggest that non monogomous behaviour doesn't have to be as horrible as society makes it out to be. So, if the answer to the original question is no, then people can reply and explain in their opinion, why?

Er....what was the question again?

Friends can be lovers; modern day terminology for this is "fuck buddies". Absolutely nothing wrong with having one of them, particularly if all concerned are interested only in having fun without the pressures of a full on relationship.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but are you asking if society frowns upon "swinging"??? I'll no doubt need to re-read your blog but that's what it sounds like to me.

Either way, my opinion is do whatever floats your boat, whatever makes you happy and doesn't hurt anyone along the way. Stuff society! :)

Hmmmm, and all this from a practising celibate! hehe