The Big Chill

By Sassiest
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18 Apr, 09 - 6 Comments.

Well, Ive been umming and ahhiing about whether I should post this particular blog here on this site for a while, but the topic related sites are really quite minimally informative, boring and downright depressing. I might do this later if I find the kind of site I can relate to. Maybe it might help someone else here in some small way and if nothing else, it will give some insight to what is going on in my life at the moment. I find getting all this stuff down in writing really quite therapeutic and beneficial for me. The support of a friend I have made here also encouraged me to do this, huge thanks, you know who you are..xx

Here goes, deep breath...

Two years ago I went through a particularly hard relationship breakup. I didn't take it well and kind of fell apart. I felt such a failure already having been through a divorce and losing the security of my family unit. This man lived with my boys and I and once again I felt complete, secure and blissfully happy. Unfortunately it ended quite badly and I spiraled into a state of depression. In 8 weeks I lost my appetite and the ability to sleep more than 3 hours a night. I lost about 10kg in this time and finally decided to visit my GP. He sent me off to the hospital for some tests just to rule out any physical issues that may be causing my severe state. Whilst there, I was cat scanned and the doctors informed me they had found something on the scan that needed further investigation. They did an MRI and this confirmed their suspicion, I was told I had a lesion in my brain. What the hell is a lesion? A cut? No, it is a gentle term for a brain tumor. They suspected a low grade glioma and wanted to do a biopsy, meaning surgery. Shit! Cutting open my skull and messing with my brain, scary stuff but necessary they informed me. A week later I had the surgery and recovered quite well, the final diagnosis was a grade 2 astrocytoma in the right parietal lobe, to be precise. They had been able to remove very little due to the delicate area the tumor was in and it wasn't a particular lump but thinly spread, diffuse is the term. The depression symptoms I had were apparently unrelated and the discovery of the tumor was purely coincidental. I'd had no other symptoms, headaches or weakness so I found it very hard to believe. 10 days after the surgery I suffered a seizure, an epileptic type of occurrence and was back in hospital again and given medication to lessen the likelihood of further incidents. Now, I was informed, I could not drive for 6 months! I took myself off for another opinion which confirmed the original verdict, this surgeon too, refused to operate. He quite bluntly gave me the average life expectancy of 4 years and told me to get out and do the things I wanted to in life. I still remember the chill that ran through my body. 4 years? 4 fucking years! What did I want to do? I wanted to live longer than 4 pissy years, is what I wanted to do! Unable to accept all of this and in a state of denial I got in contact with Dr Charlie Teo and made an appointment to see him. My ex partner came with me. Charlie is such a lovely man with a more warming bedside manner than all the other doctors I had dealt with so far. He is quite controversial amongst his peers and known to perform surgery where other surgeons fear to tread. He advised me he would operate should I wish, but with great risk of semi paralysis and that the tumor would more than likely return anyway. The paralysis would be to the left side of my body and could affect my arm, leg, face and possibly all. A tumor on the right side of the brain affects the left side of the body and vice versa. I asked what would he do if I were his wife and he replied, given my otherwise good health and lack of presenting symptoms, he would leave it alone. He also said should it ever change to make contact with him again.

I came home and my depression worsened. I now went through the 'why me' stage. What had I done to deserve this? Not religious but I am a believer of what goes around, comes around. I punished myself mentally for every little thing I felt I felt I had done wrong in my life. My family and friends rallied around me in support and encouraged me to be positive, something I found extremely difficult.

I have to leave it there for now, have jobs to do and places to be today. I guess I just wanted to get something down on here and gauge the responses. Also not sure how many characters a blog will accommodate. I do plan to finish the story on here and bring it up to today, it won't be depressing, just informative and honest. These blogs are actually forming part of a kind of book I am putting together with some other writings. (ahh and no, the Sas in the City blog will not be included!). Negative responses will be taken into account and support if offered, appreciated. The only thing I ask is for absolutely no sympathy, I don't tolerate it well these days and oh, no editing from admin hopefully. I am more than happy to answer questions but maybe leave them until I have finished the whole story, meanwhile, maybe visit my 'Bucket List' blog if you haven't already and understand its significance and relevance.

If this reading isn't for you, I understand, possibly quite lengthy and boring to a lot of people, just simply don't follow any further. Look out for the corny movie title's, my drunken puckered lips pose and avoid the next few blogs.