Something for the Guys (a reprise)
Gentlemen,
Yesterday I wrote a piece for you to consider but it seems to have vanished. Maybe I deleted it by mistake, or perhaps the site staff didn't like it (did not hear anything from them, so probably me). Anyway, here it is again, and hopefully to stay.
Guys, have you been having problems making contact with the ladies here? Are your carefully crafted communications being met with deafening silence? Well you're not alone.
You've probably tried various remedies to reach more women: relaxing your original criteria (such as age range); or increasing your geographic range progressively from 20 km, to 50 km, to 100 km, and then the whole bloody State! Still nothing. Welcome to the typical indifference shown to men on sites like this. Occasionally, very occasionally, you might get a polite "no thanks," but mostly you're left to read between the (unwritten) lines.
I've been on adult sites like this one for more than 10 years, and the same pattern has been present for a long time. The likelihood of getting a reply of any kind has been about 2%, while the willingness of a woman to engage with me in an ongoing conversation was about 1%. I think my experience may mirror many of those new to adult dating sites like this one.
If I was single and interested in a long term relationship, I would be on eHarmony, Zoosk, or other more "serious" sites where you swipe left or right to move the line along. Get more responses that way. But I'm here for different reasons.
I suppose, over the years, I've averaged replies from maybe 10 responsive women annually, with about half of them willing to meet in person. This was in the U.S. where the local pool of women was much larger than here.
There are other consequences of being an overwhelming majority. Guys end up financing more than 90% of this site's revenue. That means if we were not here in these numbers, the site might not exist. Even more than that, as men get fed up and move on, there are always others who come along in hope of finding a woman to have fun with. So there is a significant "churn" in male membership, with newcomers bringing in ongoing revenue for the site. There is also a churn among female members, but their numbers are so small that they will have little effect on the overall finances of the site.
Now a word for the ladies. I've spent some time discussing how this site functions and the role played by men. With numbers the way they are, women can sit back and cherry pick the guys within five minutes of their home if they want to. You don't have to do anything except wait for their message. You can, of course, be proactive and make the first contact. In my experience, for what it's worth, I've had five women in 10 years approach me first. That's one every two years in an environment where the pool of women was much larger than here! Women are not a proactive group.
Ladies, when men write to you in a courteous and polite manner, it is rude to give them a cold shoulder. The kindness of a gentle letdown is much preferred to the emptiness of silence. You can have a set of stock "no thanks" in a Word file and just copy and paste a reply if you don't want to personalize it. I know that you feel overwhelmed and get tired of the endless stream of messages. It's much easier to summarily delete them. But there is probably a kind and lonely person who wrote that message and is waiting for a reply. The costs and benefits of being here are grossly unequal for the two genders, so the courtesy of a reply does not seem too much to ask.
Guys, you need to shape up too. Don't send a dick pic as an introduction. Instead, try to be warm and friendly, ask for the opportunity to chat more, and maybe the chance to meet if both of you think that's a good idea. Don't be a jerk. Humor is very hard to pull off online, and can easily be misconstrued. Just play it straight up and be honest. If you get a "no thanks," don't push it any further--move on. Trust is built on openness and honesty, and I've found many women need to trust you before committing to something more intimate.
Stay safe, be happy, be kind to others. It's the journey not the destination that counts. We all have the same final destination.
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(User Inactive) - 14 May, 22
-Hi all well I’m thinking you should be just plain slow,as pointed out by others here your opinion is yours and seems to be only yours,wankers like you with the dribble you talk drives women away from sites like this.Teaser ,Bec and others have told you what they think of your garbage. Your ravings are your experience and speculation.From what I’ve seen you contribute nothing to chat or this site in general. I don’t know how some of the guys on this site think at times,ignoring what people say in there profiles,thinking you know better than the person. I don’t get it were do you guys get off thinking any women owe you anything. Factor that into your statistics.Your like an annoying little mozzie , the sooner you’re gone the better.
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SloHandEzTouch - 14 May, 22
Eltham, VIC, AUTony, you too are getting rude, personal, and abusive—traits that you say you are against.
You have pointed to MUTUAL RESPECT as being essential in interactions on this site, and I agree with that. In fact, it is what I have been trying to say for some time. However, it is clear, as with your comments here, that you have no idea what those words mean. The word MUTUAL implies a two-way interaction.
I have tried to be very clear in my responses to your comments exactly what I believe “mutually respectful” means.
If that rattles your cage and bothers you, then tune me out and hit the “Block” button.
I will tell you, though, that I am not about to be run off or leave this site. If you continue to post replies and comments to what I write, then I will continue to respond. As I have said before, I respond to everyone who writes to me, no matter what they say.
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(User Inactive) - 12 May, 22
-I’ve actually found your synopsis quite interesting on a weekly basis and the intellectual nature of the dialogue somewhat amusing as to how it’s grasped by others
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SloHandEzTouch - 14 May, 22
Eltham, VIC, AUHRD333, thank you for your note. This site has some problems and I seem to have struck a nerve for members who have been here for a while.
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Teaser469 - 09 May, 22
Cowes, VIC, AUMaybe they read the crap you put here, which explains the 1% response rate.
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SloHandEzTouch - 12 May, 22
Eltham, VIC, AUTeaser,
Thank you for your two comments. I make a point of answering all comments to my blogs, no matter what they say.
As far as my thinking whether anyone else agrees with me, the numbers speak for themselves.
Why might like-minded men not wish to comment here. Well, I think the responses I have received here indicate exactly why. It would be interesting to know why more than 100,000 men who have profiles on this site have not visited it in the last month.
With regard to the numbers of personal contacts that I wrote about, those related to sites in the U.S. that are considerably larger than here. They also had higher ratios of men to women, with numbers of 30:1 or 40:1 being fairly common. If you read my blog carefully, you will see that I use figures of “about 2%” and “about 1%.” I did not keep track of accurate numbers, and the rates likely changed from year to year. Some years were higher, some lower. It’s possible that the overall rates were about 4% and about 2%. The actual numbers really don’t matter. They reflected the probabilities of 1/30 or 1/40 that come from such an imbalance of men and women.
If you have experienced better rates of contact on this site in the past, then you are fortunate and that probably explains why you are still here. However, the former 50:50 relationship no longer applies. This site has moved closer to what I described in the U.S.
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“There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all argument and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance. This principle is contempt prior to investigation.” (Herbert Spencer)
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Teaser469 - 12 May, 22
Cowes, VIC, AUThe only thing large here is your ego, don't assume what the response rate is for other men, here's a newsflash - if you pm a new member, she doesn't want to know about it, she wants to chat or just follow the chat room and see what goes on, if she doesn't like what she sees or if she gets bombarded or even attacked by dudes with big ego's then she deletes her profile within 24 hours, because usually they don't want to report it. So perhaps you should try the same, let them work out if you're a flog or not before messaging and hotlisting every female profile on the site, you sound offended the ratio isn't quite 50/50, well it's due to the actions and comments and often attacks by your gender, instead of whining about it do something positive to fix it. I've suggested removing the PM burron for males for 30 days for that very reason, because believe it or not you ain't gods gift to every female in a room or a pm, and if not getting a response from messages offends - don't pm in the first place, if they liked you they might get the picture, but writing a novel here every week with all your nonsense data and amazing stats just makes those that have been around a while cringe, male or female!
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SloHandEzTouch - 14 May, 22
Eltham, VIC, AUTeaser, now you are getting rude and personal, and that's unbecoming. I'm sorry that I seem to have annoyed you. You appear to have missed key points that I have been trying to make. If this site is to survive it's recent past, men and women each need to find ways to interact better. Mature adults work towards MUTUAL SOLUTIONS.
Tony and others have pointed to MUTUAL RESPECT as being essential, and I agree with that. In fact, it is what I have been trying to say for some time. However, you and others seem to look at the issues as a one-sided problem. As long as you do that, there can be no MUTUAL SOLUTION. To find a way out of the spiraling disappearance of women from this site requires a change in behavior and thinking. Simply engaging in a police action to root out “bad actors” and eliminate them from this site will not solve the problem. In fact, “bad actors” are easily dealt with by blocking them so you never see them again.
Again, Teaser, please read what I have said carefully. I’m trying to be helpful. You are free to disagree. However, whatever you and your friends are trying to do is not working. Everyone on this site needs to lift their game. We need to have open discussions and disagreements to solve the problems here.
17 Comments - 4 Blog Posts
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SloHandEzTouch - 09 May, 22
Eltham, VIC, AURebecca,
I note the comment you made here recently: “I’ve only been a moderator for a few weeks, trying to help women feel comfortable on this site after they were abused …”. This sounds as though your role is one of advocating for, and supporting, women on this site, rather than acting as an impartial observer or commenter. That’s not my understanding of how a Moderator functions, but the site is free to call you what they wish. As I wrote to you separately, I’ve served as a Moderator on a completely different type of forum for nearly 20 years, where fairness and impartiality were required in implementing the site’s expectations and rules. I think your role would be better classed as “Women’s Advocate,” which would help us all understand better where you stand.Tony,
I completely agree with you about respect being a two-way deal. If you read carefully what I have written, that is exactly what I am arguing for. Respect towards each other, from both sides. Studied indifference is not being respectful, at least according to how I was raised and what I think are the mores of Australian culture.Lagertha,
I have no problem with what you wrote. Your views are a product of your experiences, and I respect that.17 Comments - 4 Blog Posts
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(Private Profile) - 08 May, 22
-I stand by my comment. My profile is extremely clear with regards to age etc. If anyone outside of that age bracket messages or, as is often the case, is rude, crude or not even a hi how are you with basic manners, then I am under no obligation to respond just to feed someone's ego. I've been emotionally and mentally abused by someone on here in the past, for five years. That damaged my mental health and I am entitled to also.protect it. Fortunately not everyone is like that I discovered soon after.
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SloHandEzTouch - 08 May, 22
Eltham, VIC, AUIt is interesting to note the comments received here. They are part of a wider discussion I have been having via messaging with Rebecca and other members. I do want to address some of the concerns expressed and also note areas of broad agreement.
First, my intentions have been questioned as to whether I want to see this site go away. That is not what I want to see happen. By looking realistically at the size and composition of active members on this site, it is apparent that the membership is small and overwhelmingly male. That is not a negative statement, but simply a fact. Some of the things that follow from this fact might be seen as “negative,” but again are based in reality.
Second, because males account for more than 90% of the active membership, it follows that the site would collapse without the presence and support of those men. That’s how the site works now. Perhaps it worked a little differently in the past, but we are dealing with the present.
Third, given the substantial imbalance currently between the numbers of men and women, it is inevitable that some men will not have their hopes fulfilled. With male-to-female ratios of 10 to 20 in many localities, it’s likely that more than half of the men coming to this site will not be satisfied. Again, this is not being negative, but simply making a logical inference based on the present data.
Fourth, many men feel blown off when their efforts to make contact with women, on this site and other similar sites, go unanswered. Some men deal with this better than others. However, a lack of response is indicative of studied indifference on the part of the person receiving the initial message, and that is a subtle form of abuse. Compounded scores of times, this can have serious mental health consequences and add to feelings of low self esteem, etc.
Lastly, I have offered a number of remedies that can be helpful for men who are less successful than they hoped. The simple courtesy of a reply to their request would be a start. I have suggested to Rebecca that an impartial Moderator, who saw the concerns of men and women from both sides, would be beneficial.
As an example, let’s look at Lagertha’s comment here: “Women don’t owe men anything.” I suggested to Rebecca that an impartial Moderator might respond: “That’s true. However, we need to remember that the support of men is necessary to keep this site functioning. Not all men are jerks.” In this way, both men and women are being validated.
It is obvious to someone who has “been here five minutes” that this site has current issues as well as issues going back some time. What I’ve tried to do is take a serious look at the site and offer some support for my brothers who probably make up the silent majority of current members.17 Comments - 4 Blog Posts-
Teaser469 - 09 May, 22
Cowes, VIC, AU"What I’ve tried to do is take a serious look at the site and offer some support for my brothers who probably make up the silent majority of current members"
Do you actually think anyone else shares your view?
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(User Inactive) - 06 May, 22
-Well written Bec. I haven’t been here for years however even in my short time here I have seen and have had comments and messages from these “5 minute experts “.Some of the things you Boys whine and complain about is unbelievable.And Largertha you’re nearly 100% correct,the only thing women owe men is respect,when its given and or earnt.
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(Private Profile) - 06 May, 22
-Thanks Tony. You are correct, respect is a two way street.
I'm really at a loss to understand how I'm responsible for their lack of replies, but apparently I am.
Since I've only been a moderator for a few weeks, trying to help women feel comfortable on this site after they were abused, I fail to see why my personal thoughts over the past 10 years have any bearing on anything. Wow. Just wow.
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(User Inactive) - 04 May, 22
-Hello - not hard to garnish how this site has operated across its background across any of Rebecca’s 32 blog posts over over a 10 plus year period
Who moderates an intrusive moderator who’s personal views aren’t shared nor endorsed by a number of members of the years?
Great takeaway would be to create an inclusive chat room for the diehards and one to allow flingers to fling within site boundaries not an individual’s view of such
Food for thought
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(Private Profile) - 05 May, 22
-Says the member who replied so rudely to my polite offer of assistance with the chatroom! History has shown that when the "diehards" do their thing, the women flee. It recently came to light that there were at least 2 men over the past 6 months who were abusing women immediately they joined up, and most of them took off immediately, hence the number of women who haven't been back to the site. There are actually quite a few women here who are active here and give praise, so it's not all bad.
Sure, give it a try. It's up to you I guess. Go for it. Take over the Adult Room or the Padded Room. You don't think this has been tried before? Guys tend to break the rules by posting their contact details and abusing people. You have no idea what messages are going through "whisper" or messages. There are way too many who think they can just lob in and get what they want, when they want it, and if that doesn't happen, the abuse starts. This site is not a drive thru, there are other sites for that. I only interfere when the rules are broken. Don't post contact details, and don't abuse people. Do your best!
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(Private Profile) - 04 May, 22
-Oh so true Lagertha.
Once again, entitlement rears its ugly head!
For someone who's been here "5 minutes" they seem to think they know a lot about what has been happening here!
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(Private Profile) - 03 May, 22
-Enough with the negativity, let's focus on the last 2 lines. The past 2 years have been tough for everyone, and coupled with the toxic content of many messages here over the past few months, the community here (particularly women) has dropped to an all time low. Thankfully those responsible have been banished. If anyone is abusive to anyone, please let myself or admin know so we can sort it out. Let's try to get the numbers back to 50:50 as it was!
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Lol