Staying Safe Using Adult Sites
I've seen a few attempts here and on other sites to advise members how to protect themselves from harassment, violence, etc. Thought I would share some of my experience from more than 10 years of participating on adult dating sites.
Don't know about you, but what I do with others on adult sites is perfectly legal between two consenting adults. These actions are part of my personal, private life and I think I have a right to expect discretion on the part of my partners and mutual confidentiality.
“Staying safe” on adult dating sites can mean various things, from dealing with online aggressive or unwanted comments, to avoiding physical violence, to preserving privacy and anonymity.
Online issues occurring on a website such as this one are the easiest to deal with—just report them to the site staff and the offender should be gone from the site. However, if they have your personal or work email address, or if they have your telephone number, then the site folks can’t do anything about that and you may need to address such issues through the police and legal system.
My preventive approach to these issues is to initially make contact by email. I use an email address through one of the free services, such as AOL, Microsoft, Google, Apple, Yahoo, etc. I use AOL (now owned by Microsoft) because I started using private email accounts in the 1990s. That way, if someone gets hold of my email address and starts causing problems, I can just delete that address and adopt another one. Notifying people you want to hear from of your new email address is a pain, but at least the nuisance person is gone. Suffice to say I NEVER use my everyday email account, and especially not my work account, to conduct sensitive private discussions or to register on a site such as this one.
Cell phones are a bigger problem. They are so convenient and embedded in our culture that we forget how vulnerable we can be to harassing calls and messages. And it’s very messy to change your phone number to get away from such behavior. Even worse is tracking software that can be put on your phone and allows others to know where you are at any given time. Do NOT allow someone to persuade you that it’s a good idea to know where each other is, and have you install such an app. This form of electronic stalking can be EXTREMELY DANGEROUS.
Physical violence and shakedowns from meeting strangers on these sites are thankfully uncommon, but do occur. I have friends who suffered both. Men and women seem to be about equally at risk. Shakedowns can come in the form of someone showing up unexpectedly, taking compromising pictures, and then demanding money for their silence. Alternatively, you could end up on candid camera when someone uses a hidden video cam. No matter how painful or what the consequences may be, attempts at extortion are a matter for the police. You will almost certainly pay a personal price to deal with these parasites. Marriages/stable relationships are damaged, kids are traumatized, your job may be threatened, etc. Such situations are best avoided if possible.
My preventive strategy is to meet new contacts in very public places; get to know them; record vehicle license numbers and other identifiers (just in case); and try not to get too carried away with the moment. Only when I’m ready to trust somebody do I move into a more intimate environment.
Being discreet and respecting each other’s privacy is very important for me. I NEVER post a facial picture publicly, and you only get to see it when we have agreed to meet and you need to know what I look like. That has served me well for over a decade on these sites. My work is fairly high profile, and I do not want to have my private life disseminated widely. My acid test is, “How would this affect me if it was disclosed on the fourth page of Saturday’s Sun or Sydney Morning Herald?” I think everyone deserves a private life, but privacy requires care and nurturing—once breached, it is hard to reclaim.
Stay safe, be careful, have fun. It's all about the journey. The final destination is the same for all of us.
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(Private Profile) - 27 Apr, 22
-Some also enjoy psychological and emotional abuse of others on here. That's much harder to deal with. But karma usually prevails.
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SloHandEzTouch - 30 Apr, 22
Eltham, VIC, AULagertha, thank you for that important contribution to the dangers of online dating. When demeaning or other verbal/written abuse occurs in a public area of a forum such as this one, then the site staff can take action. When psychological or emotional abuse occurs in more private settings, it's hard for the site to do anything. I don't know how this site addresses abuse via it's (private) messaging system. Some sites have become more willing to address abusive messages sent through their personal messaging system, but most do not in my experience. Perhaps RebeccaR can tell us what happens here. Certainly, there is an option to block a member from communicating with you via messaging on this site. Then there is the issue of what constitutes abusive language. A small subset of people on adult sites are into S&M, and sometimes verbal abuse and demeaning behavior is a turn on. For most members, including me, it is not. The type of psychological abuse that I think you are referring to is nasty and scary. The anonymity afforded members on adult sites seems to empower some seriously disturbed people to behave in this way. They likely suffer from a serious personality disorder, and it is easy for them to indulge their distorted views on sites like this. Such people usually have aberrant interactions with others in their life, and eventually they may get their comeuppance. But that doesn't mean they can't do great damage in the meanwhile.
17 Comments - 4 Blog Posts
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(Private Profile) - 30 Apr, 22
-I was referring to emotional and psychological abuse when involved with someone in an ongoing and physical capacity.
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SloHandEzTouch - 01 May, 22
Eltham, VIC, AULagertha, I'm sorry. I misunderstood what you were saying. Thanks for the clarification. Emotional and psychological abuse at any time is painful, but especially in an ongoing and physical capacity. I can identify having once been married to an alcoholic woman, who could be physically violent as well as manipulative and emotionally abusive. I stayed too long in that relationship, trying to help her, and eventually had to leave. It was a very painful time in my life, but I learnt a lot about myself and my relationship with others.
17 Comments - 4 Blog Posts
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Good advice and very comprehensive. Thank you for your input.